Dear Eric: My husband’s best friend of 18 years has a wife, “Martha,” who is bipolar. She self-medicates with THC. I’ve become uncomfortable being around her. My husband is supportive of my feelings, to a point. He doesn’t want to lose John’s friendship, which I totally understand.
Two weeks ago, Martha had asked me to come over. The minute John was out the door, Martha told me that her son was coming over and that it was not for John to know. Red flags! Minutes later, here came her son, drunk, with a bag full of pot for Martha. I was really uncomfortable because her drunk, stoned son scared me. I left my ex for this exact behavior.
Unfortunately for Martha, John came back early and saw Martha’s son leaving.
When we had lunch with John and Martha yesterday, my husband was sure something would be said to clear the air. Nothing was said.
I can beg off from the four of us getting together only so often. Martha will tell John to ask my husband why I’m not answering the phone. I don’t want to be around this woman. I really need some words to tell my husband. Eighteen years is enough.
— Heavy Sigh
Dear Heavy Sigh: Unfortunately, what needs to happen is a friend breakup between the couples.
Tell your husband that Martha’s behavior compromises your health, safety and comfort, and that you’re done. Crucially, this doesn’t necessitate a breakup between John and your husband. But navigating that is their responsibility, not yours.
Next, talk to Martha — by phone or in person, whichever feels safer to you. Tell her that you feel uncomfortable when she puts you in positions like the most recent one. Tell her you’re concerned about her, and that you want to be able to support her if she wants to get help, but you can’t and won’t continue the friendship as is without change. It’s important that you communicate this with Martha rather than having it go through your husband and John, so they’re not wrapped up in trying to make excuses for Martha.
Sometimes we obscure the solution to our problems by being overly polite. By being direct, you’re giving Martha the chance to make amends and, hopefully, work with a medical professional to update her care plan. You’re probably not the only one who is made uncomfortable by the group outings. Somebody has to say it for anything to change.
Dear Eric: I’ve been thinking about divorce for a while now, but I’m terrified of what
it might do to our kids. I feel like my marriage is no longer working. My husband and I are no longer on the same page with what we want. But every time I think about taking the step to separate, I can’t shake the fear that the divorce process will have a lasting negative effect on my children.
I keep asking myself the question, “How can I protect them from all the stress and hurt that comes with a divorce?” I’m also worried that the kids might feel like they’re being torn between two sides, or worse, that they’ll feel responsible in some way.
I’ve heard of other ways to divorce, like mediation or collaborative divorce, but I’m not sure how they work or if they’re really any better. I don’t want to make the wrong choice and make things harder on my kids in the long run. Do you have any advice for how to handle this?
— Want What’s Best
Dear Best: Your concern is shared by so many parents considering or going through divorce. While it’s impossible to know what impact any parental action is going to have on a child, research and reaching out to those with knowledge and experience can set you up to make the most informed decision. To that end, you should talk to an attorney with experience in collaborative divorce. This is not a commitment; it’s education. If you were buying a house, you’d talk to a realtor. That doesn’t commit you to working with the realtor or buying a house at all, but it teaches you what the process involves. Talking to an attorney can also help you understand your rights and ways of protecting yourself and your kids.
In her book “Talking to Children About Divorce,” Jean McBride writes “divorced parents often must be better at communicating with each other than they were when they were married.” That process can also start now. Even though you and your husband aren’t on the same page about what you want, it’s not too late — or too early — to talk through ways that you both can preserve a healthy environment for the kids. McBride’s book is a wonderful resource for starting and navigating those conversations.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)