Dear Eric: I recently received a “Christmas wish list” from one of my husband’s adult children.
This person is in their late 40s, married and living in a two-income household, both of whom are well-paid. They have three children, one of whom is a grown adult college graduate with a thriving career of their own.
We are in our 70s and trying to scale back our budget, as we are struggling to be able to retire. Last year we opted to purchase gifts that were more in line with our budget and more personal than the extravagant gift cards we have given in the past.
The wish list consisted of items valued at more than twice what we spent last year and what we can reasonably afford this year without going into debt.
I feel like this is a reaction to last year’s gifts and they are trying to steer us back to the more expensive gift cards. I also feel like this child thinks of us as a stream of cash flow and we are being shaken down. None of the other five kids in the family have done this.
The adult grandchild never sends anything for Christmas nor acknowledges birthdays. I don’t think we have ever gotten a thank you note from this grandchild.
I am in charge of selecting gifts and this is stressing me out to no end, and I am beginning to feel resentful. Am I wrong here or am I missing something?
– Stressed Out for The Season
Dear Season: While I didn’t get this in time to reply before the holidays, there’s an option you may want to explore for next year.
I want to assure you that you are not and were not in the wrong. The adult child may have thought they were being helpful by sending their wish list, but it’s coming across as more of a demand than a wish.
A gift isn’t an obligation, at least ideally. It’s an expression of love, a way of saying “I thought of you,” a tradition. But too often they feel like requirements and requirements lead to resentments.
The move toward retirement is a perfect opportunity to segue into a new gifting pattern. You can announce to the whole family that, because you’re saving for this life change, you’re switching it up at the holidays next year. Maybe it’s only cards, or handmade gifts. Maybe it’s one gift per family. Whatever feels right to you.
Telling your family about this change also gives them insight into ways that they can give meaningful gifts to you, be they fun experiences to do in retirement, supplies for hobbies you enjoy or even money to help you make the most of your days.
Dear Eric: I’m pretty sure I should seek therapy. As a longtime first responder with probable PTSD, plus recent marital issues and the recent deaths of a number of close loved ones, I feel the need to speak to an unbiased third party.
I’m not comfortable speaking with my spouse or friends because I’m the one they all come to, and they see me as the one who has it all together. This is so untrue. I have self-esteem issues, and I’m always worried about being seen as “less than.”
Hence, my concern. I am afraid I won’t be able to be absolutely open with a therapist because I fear I will disappoint them. I know how ridiculous this sounds to others (and they’ve told me this), but it’s real to me. Please help.
– People Pleaser
Dear Pleaser: You’re going through a lot. I’m sorry for the loss of your loved ones and for the pressure you’re feeling. I want to assure you that, even though it may not feel like it, you’re taking the right steps.
Your fear is not ridiculous; it’s what you’re feeling so it deserves consideration. But I’d like to gently redirect it.
A good therapist is there to meet you where you are, to work with whatever you come in the door with. Sometimes what you’re coming in with isn’t as open as you want but know that the right therapist for you isn’t going to start the session with a list of expectations for you in that way.
If you can, try to front-load this fear in initial conversations with your therapist. Even speaking it can diffuse it somewhat. It also empowers your therapist to provide you with the kind of guidance and care that will continually remind you that you’re not disappointing them and help you rewrite that narrative.
What you bring into the session is enough. You’re doing the right thing. Keep going. Thank you for what you do to care for others. Try to give yourself and your healing the same compassion and grace as you heal.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.