Dear Eric: My adult son was a stellar athlete and scholar in our small Midwest high school. But as the years went on, he ended up suffering from chronic pain due to a back injury, which thwarted a career path after college. A year ago, he was diagnosed with long Covid, which he and his partner still have. He recently also received a mental diagnosis and continues to have challenges.
My husband and I are close with him and his partner, although they live out of state. My question is how to answer friends/acquaintances who ask how he is doing? Most remember him from high school as a leader and know about the long Covid problems but not about his mental challenges. What should I say?
— Messenger Mom
Dear Mom: Check in with your son and see how he feels. There’s no right or wrong answer, but the more you say about anyone, the more you risk violating their boundaries.
While there’s nothing wrong with telling friends everything that’s going on, when folks ask for an update, there’s rarely an expectation of the whole story. Telling folks the latest on the struggles they already know about should suffice unless there’s reason to go into greater detail. That said, when we tell people we trust what’s going on with us, we also give them an opportunity to show up for us in times of need.
Dear Eric: I belong to a league involving a large group of women. For many years we went away for a weekend. Everyone was invited. The group has become larger over the past few years and now the weekend invite involves only those who went the previous year. Some of the other girls have expressed an interest in going to me but I’m not in charge. I refer them to the person who is.
I am sad that some are not included even though there are openings, and some are excluded because “she drives me crazy.” I have spoken to the person in charge only to be told that she’s in charge. It’s not a good feeling to be left out and I know I will be losing friends because of this. How do I move forward from this?
— League All Alone
Dear League: Is there anything stopping you from organizing your own league away weekend and inviting those who aren’t invited to the one currently happening? It seems the growth of the league necessitates it. So, stepping up and taking on the mantle of an alternate trip makes sense.
Am I suggesting a coup? Well, yes, I am.
But if the current trip organizer is purposefully excluding folks who are eligible to go, there’s something wrong at the top.
Another option is to be even more forthcoming with your friends — you’ve told them you’re not in charge but if they’re still holding this against you (unjustly, I think), tell them how stressed the whole thing makes you. And then suggest that they do the coup.
Dear Eric: I have a friend that I get together with for social outings every couple months. The last three times we made plans, without asking if this was OK with me, she announced right before the event that another person would be joining us. I find this to be inconsiderate, rude and disrespectful, especially since in two of these instances, I never met the additional person before. Not that I would say no, but I think my friend should ask me if this is acceptable before she asks another person to join us. Your thoughts?
— Feeling Disrespected
Dear Feeling: I wouldn’t go so far as to call it disrespect but it’s a little socially awkward. Tell your friend that it’s easier for you to pivot — and a lot more fun — if you know in advance that someone is going to be joining you. It’s a reasonable ask.
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Dear Eric: I haven’t worked in an office for some time. I’ve been working remotely for years, and my last office job was at a small business with just a couple of guys. I need to brush up on my etiquette. At my last place, you could refer to “hitting the can” or whatever and no one batted an eye, but some might consider that a bit uncouth. What’s the best way of telling someone you have to use (or were in) the restroom?
— Gotta Go
Dear Gotta Go: This may shock you, but I think the best phrase is “I’m going to go to the bathroom.” Or, you could simply say, “Excuse me a moment” or “I’ll be right back.” I’m amused by the classic, “I’m going to powder my nose,” but that can be misconstrued in an office. Best to just be simple and direct. We all go.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)