Dear Eric: I live in a very rural and rather remote area where you can count “neighbors” on one hand.
My husband and I made friends with one who lives about five miles away. We’re not “close” but she and I share a lot of common interests, have shared meals, house- and pet-sitting, etc.
Recently I texted her and told her we were applying for a tax break based on how we use a portion of our land. While we have long used this parcel for this qualifying purpose, we never got around to applying for the tax benefit. The application requires an affidavit from an “uninterested third party” attesting that they have knowledge of how the land is being used.
I asked said neighbor friend if she would fill out the affidavit for us, with us paying for the notary. Her response was that she couldn’t lie.
I was simultaneously confused and frankly offended, but decided it was a misunderstanding. I responded that I would never ask her to lie, and that we have been using this land consistently in this manner for years (something which we thought she knew). She didn’t respond.
I can’t shake the feeling of being offended and feel a shift in our relationship. But I’m afraid if I try to more forcefully state my position or ask her for more clarification, the conversation will turn sour, and she’ll feel pressured.
I thought of sending the rules to her so she could clearly see we fall into this category, but I don’t want to make her feel stupid, either.
Should we even bother trying to convince her that we’re not trying to rip off the government?
– Not A Liar
Dear Not A Liar: It’s probably best to find someone else to fill out your affidavit. Then, after it’s all settled, you can resurface the issue with your neighbor as a way of clearing the air.
You may not convince her – and frankly it may not be worth trying to change her mind – but hopefully by restating the facts after all is said and done, you can put the matter to bed and your bruised feelings will be assuaged.
Dear Eric: Our daughter’s mother-in-law has separated from her ailing husband of more than 45 years. They appeared to be happily married during our last 20 years of interactions.
Recently she moved into our daughter’s house. We have two grandchildren whom we are accustomed to seeing once each month. Visiting is no longer available since the mother-in-law is living there.
What do you suggest we do to assist in this situation?
– Ready to Help
Dear Ready: I’m going to work off of the presumption that when you visited you stayed with your daughter and that the room you stayed in is currently being occupied by her mother-in-law. If that’s the case, other than building an extension, there may not be much you can do to assist right now.
But it will be helpful for you to be a listening ear for your daughter as she navigates this new living arrangement.
Reading between the lines of your letter, I suspect the separation comes as a surprise to you and isn’t something you’re completely on-board with. So, the situation is likely complicated, and your daughter could probably use someone to process this with.
As you listen, also bring up your desire to continue visiting and see if she can come up with a plan to make that work. It could be as simple as asking her mother-in-law to stay elsewhere for one weekend a month.
Dear Eric: I was speaking with two co-workers when one of them invited the other to attend a party at his home. The two then had a brief conversation about the nature of the party.
I was stunned the invite had been extended in my presence and I was being excluded. I remained silent. Should I have said something?
– Excluded Co-worker
Dear Co-worker: It’s a little odd that they would choose that moment to have this discussion, but what seems most likely here is that the other two co-workers have a relationship that extends beyond work. So, it’s best for your self-esteem and peace of mind to think of this not as an exclusion that targeted you, but rather a place where their real-life friendship intersected with their work life.
I can’t tell from your letter whether you feel you’re also a friend with these people (or even a work friend – not to make too much of a hierarchy out of it). But if you want to be better friends with them, this is a good opportunity to think about how you can communicate that. Perhaps it’s an invitation to an event you’re hosting or just an offer to get lunch together sometime.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.