Dear Eric: One of my BFFs has high blood pressure and always seems to be catastrophizing about everything.
I sent her an email which was meant to be compassionate and heartfelt and now she’s even catastrophizing my telling her all this.
She feels I “crossed a line” with her and was too judgmental and she says she needs time to process what I told her.
She’s a very active 78-year-old (and a therapist) and now I don’t know what to do.
In brief, I told her I was concerned about her mental health (the catastrophizing). For instance, she calls about urgent things that are not urgent, often having to do with the business that she sold and shouldn’t worry about anymore. It’s like it has new parents and she’s still helicoptering.
I told her, “Look into the mental aspects of your stressing. Why do you do that? Why do you think you have to lose weight? Why do you think you’re gonna die if you hadn’t rescheduled the dental surgery? Why are you so stressed out about how big of a job it will be? We both know it will be, but tying yourself up in knots about it isn’t a positive way to enter into any surgery.”
I closed with, “I hope you know where I’m coming from with all this. I want to delay being your executor for as long as we can. I love you.”
Your advice would be appreciated.
– Concerned BFF
Dear BFF: Maybe this is how you and your best friend talk to each other, but, from my corner, this tough love is very tough. Like, extra-well-done steak tough.
I believe it’s almost always best to compliment in writing and critique in person. You can also compliment in person, of course, but it’s nice to have something to look back at.
Conversely, because it’s hard to read tone in email or to interject, written criticism like this – even couched in love – can feel especially harsh. And it can haunt you. Things like the executor line, they’re hard to read.
So, give her the space she’s asking for. If and when she’s ready, tell her that you overshot the target by a lot and you want to fix things.
She’s not catastrophizing this email. It hurt her and she’s allowed to express that. Telling a stressed person “you’re too stressed” isn’t helpful.
You may not be the person who’s able to help her out of this state of mind. But you can apologize if she’s open to it and support her as she tries to find solutions of her own.
Dear Eric: We’re two seniors in our late 70s, dating two years.
He divorced after a 50-year marriage – she initiated it. I had two short marriages early on; one child. I have had several short relationships and one seven-year relationship, though not living together.
The man I’m dating is old-fashioned and unable to stop questioning me and bringing up the names of the people I was in relationships with before. He is in counseling.
Time goes by but my exes are always in my face through him. But he also says he couldn’t care less about my past.
Any advice?
– Moved On
Dear Moved On: Judging by his behavior, I’d say he could stand to care quite a bit less.
Coming out of a 50-year marriage, there are probably many things about his life and his partners that he has to realign his thinking on. It’s good that he’s in counseling; hopefully he’s working on this.
But, in the meantime, you can and should put your foot down about these comments because it sounds like they’re endangering your relationship.
He may be feeling jealousy about the relationships you had in the past. He may be insecure about them. Or he may be judging them. None of that is about you.
That’s his stuff to deal with, but by bringing it to your doorstep he’s making it a problem for both of you. That isn’t fair, nor is it something you deserve.
Tell him no more talk about past relationships, full stop. You can, if you want, explain to him that it’s bothering you and making you unhappy. Or you can simply say you don’t want to talk about it and leave it at that.
If he can’t or won’t respect your wishes, he may not be ready to be in a relationship with you. Again, that’s not something you need to fix. You don’t need to explain, justify, or apologize for any part of your past.
The life you’ve lived has made you the person you are, a person with whom he wants to be in a relationship. What happened matters but, in this case, only insofar as it matters to you, not to him.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.