Dear Eric: I am becoming aware of my increasing anxiety concerning my pets. Specifically, about being separated from them.
To briefly put this in perspective, I am widowed as of last August. My husband had been sick since 2019. I had no help, and he never took ownership of his own health. Needless to say, this was overwhelming for me.
Throughout this period, my pets were and still are my greatest source of encouragement. They ask so little of me and yet they give me so much.
My children seem to accept this, as they are now aware that their dad was really sick and I really did need help but never got it.
Now, I’m not where I want to be, but I am safe and have a roof over my head, which I am grateful for. However, I am noticing that I can’t be away from my pets and not get crazy anxiety. I worry that I am becoming too dependent on them.
My therapist says this is natural considering the overwhelming amount of emotion I have been through for so long. But nobody seems to understand why I want to be with them and only them.
How can I phrase this so it doesn’t sound hurtful?
– Grieving Puppy Mommy
Dear Mommy: It’s encouraging that you’re working with a therapist to process your grief and anxiety. Thank you for taking care of yourself.
I’m sorry for the loss of your husband and for how difficult life was for both of you during his illness.
You’re still at the beginning of your healing journey. If you’ll allow the metaphor, you’ve packed a healthy suitcase – you have therapeutic care and you have the comforting relationship with your pets. Sometimes, especially when we’re in pain or navigating grief, we have to pack light. This is all you can carry right now and that is just fine.
It’s good that your children understand this. Please, as the need arises, reach out to them with other opportunities to support you, whether emotionally or logistically. But also remember – and feel free to say – that you have what you need for the moment.
Grief takes time; healing takes time. Sometimes, in our zeal to see our loved ones get better, we try to rush the process along.
Tell those who don’t understand your commitment to your pets, “I’m still processing but I’m doing what I need to do to take care of myself. Time takes time and I’m going to give myself that. When I can handle more, I know where to go and who to ask. But, please, don’t ask me to do more than I can.”
Hopefully, they can hear that and accept it. Even if they can’t, it’s important to hold that boundary.
Keep working with your therapist and checking in with those who love you and understand where you are. It’s always useful to get an outside perspective and a helping hand. But sometimes the right helping hand is a paw.
Dear Eric: My granddaughter is extremely shy. Her brother, who is younger and a bit precocious, is not. So, most of the time, he “steals the show.”
I’m not sure how to help instill confidence, and as a grandmother am always worried about overstepping my bounds. I’d appreciate any advice or direction.
– Wallflower’s Grandmother
Dear Grandmother: This is a wonderful opportunity for you to start creating a special relationship with your granddaughter.
It always helps when someone sees us for who we are and meets us there, particularly a loved one. So, your ability to notice your granddaughter’s shyness and recognize the chance to help her feel seen in a way that feels good for her is a gift.
Try making specific plans for her – maybe small activities for the two of you during visits, or even special outings. The goal isn’t to draw her out of her shell, but rather to see if you can be invited in.
Talk to her parents about the things that interest her and ways that you can help support her. Hopefully, they don’t hear this as a critique of their parenting or of their daughter, but rather a grandparent’s genuine desire to get to know her grandchild.
Be mindful of how the conversations land, though, so there aren’t mixed messages or bruised feelings anywhere.
As a bookish child who was often more comfortable at the periphery of a room, I always appreciated the older relatives who would ask “Tell me about what you’re reading?” I didn’t always have much to say, but I always remember that they asked.
By showing your granddaughter that you respect her shyness, you’ll help to reaffirm her self-confidence and teach her that you’re an adult who values her, whether she steals the show or waits in the wings.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.