Dear Eric: I frequently have gatherings at my house, most recently debate-watch parties. Close friends gather, have cocktails and eat snacks.
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The most recent time, I decided to go for the cozy vibe and have a debate-watch pajama party. I just invited ladies.
Then a guy I dearly love asked if he could come. All the girls said they would be fine with this because he is a sweetheart and not at all likely to be lecherous and inappropriate with ladies in PJs.
Then, I got a text from another guy friend asking if I was doing anything for the debate, and I told him no. Although I love him like a cousin, he can be a bit creepy, like he makes sexual comments out of the blue for no reason.
Now I feel guilty about lying. Am I a terrible person?
– Debating Guest List
Dear Debating: I don’t need a Quinnipiac poll to tell that you are not terrible.
You have the right to curate a guest list in any way you see fit. This especially applies to people who make you or your guests uncomfortable with inappropriate behavior. And you didn’t owe your friend the truth if you didn’t feel up to a long conversation about it.
That said, as is ideally the case with any candidate running for office, you can hold your friend accountable. If you don’t like the comments he makes, you can call it out. Hopefully he’ll understand and change. It’s healthy for your friendship and good for the group. Plus, his response will reflect his true character.
Dear Eric: We have a couple we get together with periodically for dinner. It’s low-key about setting time and place; usually I let them pick.
The problem is that when we show up at the agreed-upon time (we’re never late), they usually have already ordered appetizers (which they have mostly eaten) and their main course.
We always feel odd having to take time to look over the menu and order. Once would be weird but it’s almost every time.
I don’t know what to say. It’s awkward. Why do they invite us if they’re going to eat without us? Short of showing up an hour earlier than the designated time, any suggestions?
– Mealtime Madness
Dear Mealtime: What a fascinating habit this couple has. I’d even go so far as to call it rude.
It’s one thing to arrive early and order a soda or cocktail while you wait, maybe an appetizer to share. But they’ve started the whole meal. I’d be perplexed, too.
It’s best to meet the awkwardness head-on. The next time you make plans, tell them you’ve noticed they tend to arrive much earlier and start to eat. Ask if there’s a reason for this and tell them you’d really like to spend the whole meal together.
It seems unlikely they’re unaware of this habit; maybe there’s a good reason. But by talking it through – “dinner is at 6; what time will you be there?” – you give them the opportunity to explain and adjust.
If they don’t do either, maybe it’s best to just meet them for dessert.
Dear Eric: Our son just received a birthday card from his great-aunt, which included a small amount of money. We told him to write her a thank-you card and send it to her. He asked, “Can’t I just text her?”
We don’t know what proper etiquette is these days. Texting wasn’t an option when we were growing up.
We can see where the great-aunt might like having instant communication with our son (sixth grade) and his number so she can communicate with him in the future. We also understand how it may not seem very personable and do agree there is something about getting old-school snail mail.
Please advise.
– Grateful
Dear Grateful: Every time I write about thank-you notes in this column, I open up a tempest in a tea kettle in the responses. Well, call me a sachet of Earl Grey because I’m jumping in again.
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He should send a text and a thank-you note. Texting is his age-appropriate preferred form of communication. Sending a quick thanks is expedient and can help him establish a bond with his great aunt.
But it’s valuable for him to learn how to write a thank-you note and when to send one. The text might be a quick appreciation, for instance, and the note can be a physical keepsake in which he tells her what he spent the money on.
As he grows older, he may decide not to send thank-you notes, though I hope he doesn’t. Still, understanding this skill now will pay dividends in the future. I think he’ll thank you.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.