Dear Eric: I have been married to my husband almost 10 years; we have two children. I will not lie and say these past years haven’t been without challenge. Separation and divorce have been tossed around.
Lately, my husband goes out quite frequently at all hours of the night. My gut has been telling me something is not right, so I went through his phone. Not great, I know, but I felt directly questioning would have led to gaslighting.
I found him within the last two weeks engaging in conversation with a woman who describes herself as a professional tease, with all the pictures to go with it. My husband eventually followed up by asking to meet and hang out.
I am to the bottom of my soul enraged (at him, not her) and hurt. And so many other emotions. When I confronted him, he immediately began “this isn’t me, I didn’t do this. Something is wrong with my phone. I just got this phone.”
He told me I’m overreacting even though the language, even the emojis used, are his usual tone.
I am seeking counseling. I don’t know how to look at this person anymore. He is not an easy person to talk to; he does not like to be contradicted in his own self-image. I don’t know how to move forward in the meantime. Please, what advice can you offer? I’m so lost. I’m just trying to be strong for myself and our kids, but I know me, I hold things.
— Feeling Hopeless
Dear Feeling: You’re allowed to hold this for as long as it serves you. Your husband responded to your legitimate feelings of hurt and betrayal by lying to you when he should have taken responsibility and made amends. That doesn’t give you anything to rebuild on.
Even if he’s not physically cheating, it’s clear from your feelings and his response that this texting relationship crossed a boundary in your relationship. He needs to address that and if he can’t or won’t, you can’t move forward. If he won’t talk to you directly, see if he’ll go to couples counseling with you. This isn’t your problem to fix alone.
In your one-on-one counseling, try to work through the pain you’re feeling. It won’t all dissipate right away, but it will be helpful to talk it through with someone who will listen, who can help you process and who won’t dismiss what you’re saying. You can also talk with your counselor about actions you can take to preserve your peace and your children’s well-being. That might mean separation or divorce. You don’t need his permission to explore those options. You can decide what’s best for you right now.
Dear Eric: I have been married to a great guy, “Fred,” for more than 40 years. He has gotten much better about listening to me and responding to what I say, since I asked him to. Here’s my issue: I like to paint watercolors, try to do some every week, and I’m not too bad. I also, over the last couple of years, have taken up playing the recorder. I enjoy it and have improved. Fred has not once commented on my painting or playing. A little “I like that painting” or “your playing has gotten better” would be appreciated. I don’t want to ask him to do this, but what can I do?
— No Comment
Dear No Comment: You’ve done a great job advocating for yourself and communicating about conversational styles in the past. My compliments to you both. This is another opportunity to do that. It sounds like Fred doesn’t have the same expectation that you do, which is fine. You both simply have to find a place in the middle.
Try asking for feedback in a neutral way. “What do you think of this painting?” If Fred replies, “it’s fine,” you can say, “would you tell me more about what you think? I’m trying to improve.” This line of questioning affirms that his opinion is important to you and that you have a goal which he can help you achieve.
Sometimes hobbies seem like enclosed worlds with no need for outside input. Continuing to invite Fred in will, in time, encourage more compliments and more conversation.
Now, what if you don’t want honest feedback but instead just want to be encouraged? You can guide that, too. “Can you tell me something you like about this painting?” or “I’m proud of the progress I’ve made on the recorder in the last few weeks. Let’s celebrate that.”
There aren’t many situations in life where saying “I would like a compliment now, please,” is going to go over well, but a happy, healthy relationship might be one. How fun, how eccentric. And how honest. We all could use a little encouragement.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)