Dear Eric: For the past 10 years we have always “been there” for our grandchildren (now 18 and 16) and my son and daughter-in-law.
In the past two years, things have changed. We have sent the grandkids cards, asked them to various events, and sent weekly texts. Most go unanswered, as if they are entitled. So, I recently sent them a text and gently reminded them to 1. respond when spoken to, 2. respond when they receive a text, 3. acknowledge cards and letters, and 4. generally respect family ties and elders. Basic social skills that they should have learned by now.
This recent text seems to have driven a wedge between my daughter-in-law and us. She has since restricted my texts/communications with the grandkids. Her statement is that the kids “are too busy.” They don’t have time to say “thanks” or even acknowledge or respond back to anything.
My son has gone underground, and we have not heard from him, or see where he stands on this. My daughter-in-law is a “helicopter mom” who is involved in every aspect of the kids’ lives. It seems that my daughter-in-law’s outburst and overreaction may have been bubbling up for a while.
— Restricted Grandparents
Dear Grandparents: Unless your son is in the CIA, or an actual mole, he needs to come join the rest of you and work through this family issue. You can help this along by reaching out to him directly and saying, “I think we got our wires crossed; can we talk about it?”
I doubt it’s a secret that you think of your daughter-in-law as a helicopter mom, so it’s likely her outburst was, as you suspect, the result of a most longstanding set of gripes and perceived slights.
And it’s hard to read tone over text, so your reminder to your grandkids probably came across as you disciplining her kids. For her, that crossed a line, and she set a boundary.
The way out of this is to have a face-to-face conversation with your son and daughter-in-law. Ask them if they feel you overstep or don’t respect their parenting. And listen to what they have to say. Then, express your hope for your relationship with your grandkids. You have an unmet expectation that’s crashing into another narrative that’s going on in that house. You won’t untangle it until you’re able to talk about what’s really important to each of you and what everyone’s boundaries are.
Dear Eric: I need advice from an outside perspective on how to handle my future sister-in-law. She’s always taking pictures of family/friends but always seems to exclude me.
At church, she wanted a picture of my fiancé and their mother; I understand she only wanted them in the picture. But even my future mother-in-law suggested that she take one, including me. She didn’t, of course, and that’s OK, to a point.
This isn’t the only time she has snubbed me. Her daughter recently had a baby and I asked to be included in her baby shower, but, somehow, I was overlooked and it was never mentioned again.
I did give her a gift, after the fact, but it had sat there for over a month, since I wasn’t included in the shower.
At their mother’s birthday party last year, she took pictures with, and of, everyone. Except me. There must have been 75 people, so I can see how she could overlook me.
I’m just not sure how to handle being snubbed by her. My fiancé never mentions her behavior and almost seems oblivious. I realize how other people treat you is more reflective of their character, but it still makes me feel left out. Do you have any suggestions for me?
— Out of the Frame
Dear Frame: First, I acknowledge that if you’re feeling excluded, that’s valid and it’s worth paying attention to. That said, I’m curious about why your future sister-in-law’s inclusion holds so much sway. Perhaps she’s the family photographer and so not taking photos of you amounts to a kind of erasure or delegitimizing of your relationship. Or perhaps you really just want her to like you.
All valid, but unlikely to be fully solved without a little bit more digging. Is the rest of the family welcoming to you, or does your fiancé’s sister’s behavior reflect the vibe of the whole family tree? If you feel shunned by the family overall, that’s a good thing to bring up to your fiancé.
Even if it’s just about the sister-in-law, talking it through with your fiancé is a good start. His obliviousness feels isolating right now, so loop him in. Even if he says it’s nothing to worry about, he should take your feelings seriously and can, hopefully, do things to make you feel included at the next gathering.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)