Dear Eric: My husband has been deceased for nearly a decade. Recently, I was going through his leftover files. For years he insisted that his ex-wife had lied to his children, telling them that he abandoned the family, didn’t want the children and never paid child support. I have found letters, from 60 years ago, that his lawyer sent to him verifying that he did not abandon the family but paid for airplane tickets for the ex-wife and four kids to the coast where his wife’s family lived. Letters also verified that he was trying to get custody.
What to do with these letters? Three of the four kids had nothing to do with their father, except to guilt money out of him. He was asked to pay for weddings or trips but not included in any of the family events. The ex-wife has been deceased longer than my husband. Do I keep letters, burn them or contact the wife of one of the children to see if there is any discussion of their father over holidays and special family events?
— Shared History
Dear History: I understand your impulse to set the record straight with the adult children. There’s a world where this new information might be a comfort. But I think the danger of a more negative impact is greater. So, please hold off on sharing the letters for now.
Since neither your husband nor his ex-wife is alive to give the letters context or to help heal the trauma of the separation, they could do more harm than good. Additionally, had your husband wanted to, he could have given the letters to his children himself at some point in the 50 years between their composition and his passing. Whatever his reasons for keeping them private, it’s better to honor that with discretion.
Dear Eric: My brother-in-law (never married, age 63) has been financially irresponsible as long as I’ve been married to his brother. He has accumulated tens of thousands of dollars in debts. He currently has no addictions, no mental health issues, but lives with his mother who is aging but continues to pay for his necessities. He gives his money away and people take advantage of him. His parents have always bailed him out and feel like he’s a victim. He has had steady jobs over his lifetime and gone to college — many reasons why he should have savings for retirement.
My concern is that, when she dies, my husband and I will be responsible for him and his debts. Any inheritance will be split three ways between him, his youngest sister and my husband. His share of it will be squandered and, being accustomed to having someone bail him out, he will come to us.
My mother-in-law always tells the family that my husband’s responsibility is for the family’s well-being and to care for everyone when she’s gone.
I don’t think we are responsible for his financial fiascos because of her permissive mothering and think he should finally be accountable for his actions. In good conscience, can we just give him the tools to manage his debts and learn to live with less rather than paying off debts to cover his tracks? We are entering retirement and need our income to live, and I am too old to take care of his needs, physically, emotionally and financially.
— Burdened by Parenting Adult Child
Dear Burdened: While there are surely complicated family dynamics that might make your husband feel responsible for his brother, and guilty if his brother fails to manage his finances, it’s not your responsibility to manage his life now or in the future. Talking with him about his plans and helping him access tools to budget and settle debts is quite enough.
What seems most pressing to a discussion between you and your husband about your concerns? Are you aligned in your thinking? If you share finances but he’s tempted to bail his brother out eventually, this is going to create a big problem in your relationship. However, if you can talk it through now and come up with a game plan that meets your needs and your husband’s, you’ll be better prepared to coach your brother-in-law while maintaining a healthy financial and emotional boundary.
This will be complicated, nonetheless. He lives with his mother, so there are going to be questions about him remaining in the house. If it’s left to all three siblings, then they’ll need to discuss what’s fair in terms of covering the costs of maintenance, any outstanding mortgage payments and the like.
Your brother-in-law may be accustomed to others bailing him out, but you can and should make it clear that there are other options — debt counseling, financial education, even conservatorship — that he will have to explore first.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)