Dear Eric: My wife and I had a good friendship with a single woman, “Barb,” for about 20 years. We enjoyed her company, and she went with us on trips, sometimes with her boyfriend of the moment.
She was always a bit problematic as, beside relationship troubles, she had health issues, but we were supportive, and we all had fun together.
As we all got older, she became more negative and needy.
My wife became seriously ill in her mid-60s, and Barb started showing up at odd times at our apartment to comment on my wife’s symptoms – “She’s gained so much weight!” “Her color looks so bad!” – while also asking for rides to her own doctor appointments, etc.
This negative behavior became our only interaction. Fortunately, my wife made a complete recovery, but we distanced ourselves from Barb until we weren’t in each other’s lives anymore.
Now, after six years of silence, we have started to get texts and other messages from her apologizing to us – but never saying what she’s sorry for – talking about her health issues and saying how much she loves us.
Both of us feel manipulated, but also a bit guilty as she undoubtedly needs help and has no family and, in the past, has alienated other friends.
I’m concerned for my wife as she is such a caring person and feels more guilty than I that we aren’t renewing our contact with Barb, but my feeling is we should continue to be silent to her overtures. I know that even to acknowledge her messages would encourage more of this. Thoughts?
– Moved On In Michigan
Dear Moved On: Barb’s out-of-the-blue blanket apologies – without any acknowledgment of what the issues were – suggest she’s not really looking to make amends. That said, it doesn’t sound like you’re open to amends anyway.
Talk with your wife about the way you’re thinking about this situation, so that it doesn’t become an issue between the two of you.
If she’s more caring and more inclined to help Barb, this conversation gives the two of you the opportunity to set boundaries and gives you the opportunity to support her in holding those boundaries instead of using them against her. “I told you so” is never a productive thing to hear, or even feel, in a relationship.
As for Barb, I doubt that ignoring her is going to be as productive as simply asking her what she’s sorry for. If she’s reinitiating contact after six years of silence, it’s likely she’s in a bind and running out of options. That doesn’t obligate you to help, but compassion may win out over old hurts.
Compassion doesn’t have to come without conditions, however. You can tell Barb what you found objectionable in the past and set expectations for the relationship going forward. This is what we’ll accept; this is what we won’t; this is how we can help; this is beyond our means right now.
She can either accept it, and your help, or she can move on.
Dear Eric: In a few weeks, my sons, 22 and 20, will be coming for a visit. Both have stated that they do not wish to renew their rental lease.
I love and like my boys. I would welcome them with open arms. But there have to be rules and boundaries. Is it too much to ask them to work part time instead of full time while they pursue their dreams and to pay a small amount of rent?
– Lost in Colorado
Dear Colorado: It’s not too much. Moreover, you shouldn’t accept anything less.
I’m curious how we jumped from them visiting to them moving in with you, but I presume this is the result of many longer, more involved conversations.
It’s wise for them to try to save money on rent by staying with family. But, as adults, they can and should also contribute to household expenses. And they should have a plan for how long they want to stay and how staying helps them achieve their financial goals.
It’s fine to ask them about it. Indeed, your questions may prompt them to think through things they haven’t yet.
Also, their plans should align with yours. It will be better if you all can come up with a plan that works for everyone.
It’s also fine to ask specific questions about the nature of “pursuing their dreams.” Maybe this means getting a degree or entering an apprenticeship that doesn’t pay well. Saving money on rent makes sense but so does building skills from part-time work and good financial management.
Just as good fences make good neighbors, good boundaries make good housemates. Letting them know how they can show respect for you, your financial needs, and your shared home will help you all enjoy the time you’ll be spending together.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.