Dear Eric: Our youngest brother has made some poor decisions in his life, and he knows it. While he’s had a destructive life overall for more than 40 years, he is now a recovering addict but also has serious health concerns in his early 50s.
He finds himself on the verge of homelessness, in the early stages of some kind of severe illness (unable to work), and wants to move back home from out of state to live with our 92-year-old mother, who has her own health concerns. She has also provided a wealth of direct financial support to him over the past 10 years, but she doesn’t want him to suffer.
My siblings are having a hard time reconciling with him on his intentions, if he, in fact, does move home. We want to set up clear guidelines for his transition to other accommodations and support before he arrives, or share a plan of action. We don’t want him to think he can move into Mom’s and live there until after she passes away, because he can’t afford to keep up her home. He recently visited before the holidays and Mom had a hard time dealing with him for the three days he was there.
He is currently under some form of disability support, but he cannot afford his own apartment. We also have concerns he will take advantage of the property contents and pawn things for his own personal interests. This is a past practice. We plan to have a family meeting to settle some difficulties, but what would you recommend?
— Protective Son
Dear Protective: The first priority should be making sure that your mother has the care she needs, and that includes protecting her from elder abuse. Prior to your family meeting, consult with an attorney who specializes in elder law to understand what things you can look out for and your legal options for protecting and supporting your mother.
It goes without saying, I think, but I’ll say it anyway: your brother’s plan is not a good one for anyone involved, you included. The focus of the family meeting, then, should be about exploring other options for him. As a group, you might look into what other forms of support might be available to him locally, both residentially and medically. Is it feasible for the siblings to supplement his rent — ideally, directly to the landlord so that it’s not misappropriated? There may not be great solutions that work for everyone and it’s not the family’s job to solve everything for your brother. But if he’s extremely ill, he needs more support than your mother or the family can provide right now. It’ll be important to create a plan based on that reality rather than trying to fix things once he’s moved in.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have three adult children (great relationship with all three). Our oldest son is married; our youngest daughter is engaged.
Our middle child, a daughter (36), is in a long-term relationship with a guy we like a lot, and they have two small children. They have so far not seen the need to marry, and may never marry, and we fully support that decision.
Over the years, at various family gatherings, several family members have expressed their opinions about the fact that the middle daughter is not married. Same family members have asked the daughter and/or her partner when they are going to “tie the knot,” “make it legal,” make a commitment” or various other small-minded comments. I can tell it makes her and her partner uncomfortable; however, they do not want to offend anyone, so they usually try to dismiss the issue and change the subject.
My desire is to show my support for their decision and to have a snappy comeback (or “put in their place” comment) for anyone I hear make remarks or ask about their marriage plans.
I want to be ready if I hear such conversations at family events coming up. I would really like to be able to jump in and make it clear (again!) that their decision is fine with those that matter and to bug off!
— Happy Family
Dear Family: Try these on for size:
- They don’t have time to get married because they’re too busy answering nosy questions.
- Weddings are expensive; wouldn’t the money be better spent raising their wonderful kids?
- Our family is complete the way it is. How’s yours?
As satisfying as comebacks are, I’ve found directness to be more effective (and sometimes equally as likely to put someone in their place). So, how about, “this is their decision and it’s not open to discussion or comment. You don’t have to like it, but you don’t live in their house. Let’s not talk about this anymore. Pass the rolls.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)