Dear Eric: My husband passed away unexpectedly at a young age. I am a few years younger than he was, so of course it was a shock. The problem is a friend, “Nancy,” discussed details surrounding his passing I would not have shared. It created the additional stress of people I hadn’t heard from in years contacting me and I clearly didn’t inform them.
Everyone who finds out immediately has intrusive questions and they seem offended when I tell them I won’t be answering any more questions. “Nancy” tries to insinuate that I am not OK because I refuse to answer any more questions. We led private lives before, so it’s not like they were accustomed to asking nosy questions and getting a response. I have blocked the worst offenders and even someone who lashed out saying I should be grateful I was able to get married because she can’t find a husband. How should I handle all of these inquiries that I don’t want to discuss? I am already doing therapy for grief by the way.
— Young Widow
Dear Young Widow: I’m sorry that Nancy breached your trust. That’s not right and it puts you in a position you shouldn’t be in at any point and especially not while you’re navigating grief.
Blocking people who don’t respect the boundaries you’ve set is a good step. Their behavior shows a profound lack of compassion — and just plain common sense. You don’t need them in your life.
If these inquiries are coming from members of a friend group, or a community you’re also a part of, this may be a good opportunity to take a break from them. You need to be around people who understand what you’re going through and respect your boundaries. Moreover, your life should not be treated like gossip fodder. If they don’t understand your withdrawal or press you about it, refuse to engage. “This isn’t something I’m open to discussing. Thank you for understanding.” And then stick to it — no further comment, no follow-up questions. Physically remove yourself if you need to. They may talk, but their narrative doesn’t have anything to do with you.
If you have a trusted friend or family member who can act as a social buffer for you, or even help you filter out unwanted social media messages or texts, lean on them. With so many intrusive comments and questions, it may be hard to remember what’s really important here: you need and deserve the space and time to process and to heal.
Dear Eric: I am a 73-year-old widower trying to move past the death of my beloved wife three years ago. I will receive a sizable inheritance when my 94-year-old mother passes away. I have no family left, no siblings, no children, leaving me alone in the world — but not lonely.
I have a formidable support group of friends. They are wonderful. However, they are reluctant to offer any advice, and I am reluctant to ask for too much.
Here are the questions that I find myself grappling with:
Should I upgrade my lifestyle by purchasing a nicer home in a better area? Considering my age, would this be a wise choice or would assisted living be wiser?
How should I invest my money after the windfall? What are my options for estate planning, given that I have no immediate family?
Is remarriage a good idea after age 70?
I have a strong desire to travel and visit new places. Is a nomad lifestyle a feasible option at my age, and what should I consider before embarking on such an adventure?
— In Transition
Dear Transition: Many of these are great questions for a financial adviser and an estate planner, someone who is trained specifically to manage current and future financial decisions and can look at the specifics of your situation. This might be a low-lift ask of your friends — perhaps they’ve worked with someone they recommend. You can also search the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors database (napfa.org) for someone who matches your needs.
As you navigate the grief and upheaval surrounding your wife’s death, it’s natural to wonder what your life could look like going forward. Some days this might feel empowering; on others it could be overwhelming. You don’t have to make all the decisions at once, or even soon. Your next chapter can come one sentence at a time.
You might choose to pursue another relationship and later decide that you’d prefer to devote your energy to traveling solo. It’s fine to pivot. As you do, talk to your friends and the people that you meet — those in assisted living, folks with comprehensive estate plans, other senior travelers (AARP.org/travel is also a great resource for practical advice and inspiration, as is the blog SeniorNomads.com.)
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)