Dear Eric: My spouse of 38 years died a year ago. He was 72, I’m now 72. He was a bit of a loner and had a strained relationship with his only sibling, his younger sister.
The last 10 years he had completely cut communication off with her. Honestly, the main reason was that he just didn’t want to be her friend. She’s a nice, helpful person, but he was who he was, and he did what he did.
When he died I reached out to her in a sisterly way and included her in the funeral service. She was delighted. She immediately bonded with me, calls me sister and started texting me several times a week.
This intimate connection with her is unwanted. I do not want to receive these almost daily texts. They come with great detail and photos of her everyday life. For the last few months, I have not responded to any texts, but the hint is ignored.
I have no idea how to stop this texting relationship without hurting her feelings. I need your advice on how best to end my texting relationship with her, and basically to keep our relationship at a comfortable distance.
— Personal Space
Dear Space: Establishing a new bond with your sister-in-law is a lovely, and loving, gesture. It may feel like you’re risking reopening old wounds by setting a texting boundary but think of it as the clear communication that is the lifeblood of every healthy relationship. Reach out via phone or in person and tell her that you are glad that you’re in each other’s lives and you appreciate her, but you’re not a texter and you’d love to find another way to catch up with each other.
She’s enthusiastic, and perhaps hungry to replace the relationship she didn’t have with your husband. There’s nothing wrong with that, per se, but if it doesn’t work for you, it’s neither unkind nor unfair to redirect.
Dear Eric: I just read the letter from “Sunny Side,” whose mother called multiple times a day with anxieties and would call Sunny Side’s friends if she didn’t pick up. My husband and I have been in a similar situation with an older relative. What I would suggest is to set up a time each day that she and her mom will talk, say every day at 7 p.m. (or whenever it’s convenient). That way Sunny Side knows when to mentally prepare herself for the call, and her mom knows when she will for sure be able to reach her.
It also takes the calls down to once per day, which is plenty. Sunny Side could make herself a cup of tea for the call or something to distract from the doom and gloom she knows is coming. Another suggestion would be to make sure her mom is engaged with some other people socially, so she doesn’t have to rely on talking to Sunny Side so much. Is there a senior center nearby with activities she could go to? Some senior organizations will send visitors to those who are homebound. I think working on this would help everyone, too — it did in our case.
— Happy Reader
Dear Happy Reader: Thank you for this suggestion. What’s great about it is it gives both the letter writer and her mom tools to help manage their expectations.
Dear Eric: After reading the letter from “Slighted Stepchild,” whose two stepparents cut him out of their wills after his parents died, I was angry on behalf of him and his brother. However, I feel there is a possibility that they may not have been disinherited by their birth parents.
I worked in the estate and trust business for almost 30 years before retiring, and saw some unbelievable things attempted by members of the deceased’s family. If the siblings have not read their parents recorded wills, or had their own attorney review them, then they should do so. They need to review only the will that was recorded in the courthouse in the area where each of their parents lived. If they can afford it, it would be best to consult an attorney to determine the legal fee to do this for them.
It would be sad, but entirely possible, that their parents’ second spouses may have withheld information from them or, under estate law of their parents’ states of residence, they may be entitled to a portion of their parents’ estates.
Related Articles
Asking Eric: Wife’s response to husband’s accident threatens marriage
Asking Eric: Estate theft divides siblings, but one brother wants to reconcile
Asking Eric: Nephew only wants to play video games on family vacation
Asking Eric: Husband threatens suicide to delay divorce
Asking Eric: Uncles fail to acknowledge niece’s birthday, but want presents for their kids
I know their hurt is deep, being excluded as children and adults from their parents’ love and lives, but they don’t know the influence that was put on their parents to do what they did.
— Suspicious Reader
Dear Reader: Thanks for this perspective. I hope the letter writer is able to track down some more concrete answers.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)