Dear Eric: I was married for 27 years to a wonderful woman who has passed away.
We lived in a female-led relationship (FLR), which meant she was in charge of most things. We made joint decisions on the big things, but for the most part, what she said was what we did.
Included in this was discipline for me, including assignments such as standing in the corner, physical discipline and the like. None was abusive, all consensual.
It worked for us, and only a few other people were aware of our situation. We never went to “clubs” or “parties” to meet other people in our lifestyle.
It’s been two years since she’s been gone and I’m back online with a pretty normal dating site.
How do I bring up my desire to be back in an FLR with potential dates? Obviously, not our first get-together, but when? I’m puzzled. Any ideas?
– Submissive Husband
Dear Husband: I’m sorry for the loss of your wife. And I’m sorry that the inability to share this part of yourself has made the grief process more isolating.
Try dating sites that are geared more toward specific interests and communities. Apps like Chyrpe and Feeld are designed to connect you more quickly and effectively with women looking for female-led relationships, for instance. More discreet than a party but also more far-reaching, apps and dating sites can be a boon for those who are clear about what they want.
Always exercise caution, of course. Review a site’s safety procedures and use sites that include identity verification, if possible.
Additionally, consider putting your desire to be in an FLR in your regular dating profile. Even if you don’t elaborate on the definition, including this important detail about you can invite questions from those who don’t know what that is and messages of interest from those who do.
Dear Eric: My mother is 92 and lives alone in the Midwest; I’m here in Southern California.
She lives around 18 miles from town on 65 acres. I phone her twice weekly and sometimes more often. I visit her twice yearly, and my sister and brother visit as well, but not as often.
She doesn’t drive and thankfully my niece lives close to her, shops and helps her whenever my mom asks her for help.
After I retired, I asked her to move here and found a lovely place for her as she prefers her own space. I tried my best to offer all the reasons why it would be the best option, but she refused.
I know she’s lonely and it upsets me, but I feel like she made the decision to stay in her home.
Here’s the dilemma: When I call, I talk about my life and what’s going on with my daughters and grandsons, etc. She has such a narrow life without much to talk about, so the conversation is one-sided.
She reads but doesn’t want to discuss books or what she’s watching on television. I try to bring up memories, and she enjoys this angle of conversation.
Sometimes, after talking for an hour, I try to end our conversation, and her response is scolding and negative that I don’t have time for her. It’s hurtful and guilting. I’d appreciate your thoughts.
– Loving but Frustrated Daughter
Dear Daughter: This is a tough spot for you; I’m sorry. I suspect your mom’s reaction comes from the conflict between wanting a well-earned autonomy and finding herself lonely, nonetheless. So, when she guilts you, try to remind yourself that it’s a reflection of the circumstance, not a fault in your actions.
Try scheduling your calls before another appointment and letting her know in advance that you’re setting aside this time for her. A preset end time may help you to redirect any guilting. “Of course I have time for you, Mom. I’ve got to go do [X] right now, but remember I’ll call you again tomorrow at 10. I’m looking forward to it.”
You can also talk through this pattern before the next call ends. “I feel sad when you say I don’t have time for you. Can we talk about why you feel that way and try to find solutions?” You’re already actively listening and using your observations to guide the conversation to topics that interest her. But you can also gently toss the ball back to her court by asking what she would like to talk about.
Lastly, see if she has interest in scheduling a call during one of her shows, like a friend date. You could chat during the commercials and simply be in each other’s company when the show comes back on. Sometimes a call demands conversation, but at other times it’s just nice to know someone is on the other end of the line.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.