“Gentle parenting” is having a rough time of late. After years of being the parenting style du jour – and the inspiration for mountains of “momfluencer” social-media content – the empathy-heavy, punishment-free child-rearing method is getting some sceptical backlash.
With “gentle parenting”, the “naughty step is out, talking feelings through is in,” said Ed Cumming in The Telegraph. If you focus on your child’s “motivations and feelings”, rather than “guiding them with punishment or shame”, you will equip them “better for adult life”. But surveys and “frazzled” posts on parenting forums suggest parents are “tiring of deferring to their child’s every whim: sometimes, children hit their little brother not because they are working through some unresolved trauma, but because their little brother is being annoying”.
The case against: ‘flattens the human experience’
Gentle parenting “professes to foster compassion and emotional self-understanding” in children by “respecting their emotions”, said self-professed sceptic Marilyn Simon in UnHerd. Throwing a tantrum is a sign of frustration, so “should be understood, not punished”, because “for a gentle parent, children aren’t bad”.
Whether you agree with this premise or not, “the worst part” is “the tone of voice” that “gentle parents” adopt. “You know the voice. ‘What kind of choice do we want to make, Aiden?’ ‘Ella, we use gentle voices with each other.'” The gentle approach can come across as condescending, even to a child. And, rather than encouraging the development of a moral sense of right and wrong, it “flattens the human experience into a series of choice options”, treating the child “like an input-output machine”.
In truth, “most children know that they’re sometimes bad” and “the job of the parent is not to prevent any potential ‘trauma’; it is to love the child even when they are bad, and to punish them, and most importantly to forgive them.”
Gentle parenting can be hard work, too, said Olga Khazan in The Atlantic. Working through tantrums with grace takes restraint and patience, as well as time that many parents simply don’t have. The US surgeon-general recently flagged parental stress as a public-health concern, “in part because of the sheer amount of time this kind of intensive parenting requires”.
The case for: ‘helps kids handle real life’
While practising gentle parenting “has not been the easiest thing in the world”, it has ultimately been a “godsend”, said enthusiasts Allie and Chris Bullivant at the Institute for Family Studies. “Rather than turning us into professional therapists, it equips us to have a lighter-touch approach to helping our kids handle real life”, and cuts down on “power struggles”. Parents can never be perfect, but they can help their child to navigate emotion and conflict more gracefully.
Many psychologists agree that some “gentle parenting” techniques are effective and evidence based, said Khazan in The Atlantic. But “consequences are also important, and showering kids with positive attention when they misbehave can backfire”.
It’s clear, though, that, while gentle parenting might be having a wobbly moment, the days of Gina Ford’s “strict schedules” or “Supernanny” and her “threatening time outs” are largely gone, said Helen Rumbelow in The Times. For now, the calls for strictness and punishments have nearly gone silent, although “that doesn’t mean they aren’t out there” – after all, “fashions in parenting veer like a child on a swing”.
Many years of neuroscientific research tell us that “authoritative parenting” – the “centrist sweet spot” between modern sensitivity and old-fashioned discipline – tends to be the most beneficial to children, emotionally and academically, said Rumbelow. The ideal is a “compromise”: “a warm but boundary-filled home”.