DEAR HARRIETTE: What do you do if you’re a bridesmaid, but the wedding expenses are mounting?
This is my best friend’s wedding, and I’d hate to miss out, but some of these things are too demanding: engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, dress, hair, makeup, alterations and more. The list of events and expenses just keeps growing.
Should I bring this up to the bride, or politely bow out?
— Bridesmaid Duties
DEAR BRIDESMAID DUTIES: I feel your pain. Unfortunately, it is extremely common for bridesmaids to feel a significant financial crunch as they make every effort to be fully engaged for their friend’s wedding.
Look at all of the activities and expenses that you have listed — and anything else that comes up — and do your best to itemize costs. Figure out if you can handle anything creatively, or if you must follow the game plan to the letter.
If you cannot afford to do everything, determine what has to go, and talk to the bride. Be honest with her. If you feel it necessary, you can ask her if it would be best for you to support her from a distance rather than as a bridesmaid.
Talk to her as soon as you can so that she can make adjustments as needed.
Remember that the bride may be stressed out, so be clear and kind when you state your situation. Then decide what is best for you, and take action.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, a friend invited me to a museum outing with her and some of her friends. A few days before the event, I reached out to her to say I wasn’t sure I’d still be able to join because I had some other responsibilities that really needed tending to, but that I’d be disappointed if I could’t join.
She then casually said that I’ve been doing that a lot lately: flaking.
I was genuinely surprised because I couldn’t recall a time recently when I had flaked or canceled agreed-upon plans. I asked her which instances she was referencing, and she couldn’t seem to remember any in the moment, but she feels like it’s happened and that I just don’t show or cancel for one reason or another.
I disagreed with her and told her I am very intentional about the agreements I make and the plans I agree to so that I can avoid last-minute cancellations and changes.
It really bothered me to hear my friend have a perception of me that is so off and not even be able to reference a relevant instance. What makes someone make certain decisions about who you are?
— Flaky Friend
DEAR FLAKY FRIEND: Something in your friend’s psyche is telling her you aren’t always there for her. She may be feeling insecure about other things in her life, or she may really believe what she told you.
When you’re feeling less annoyed with her, sit down and remind her that you love her and have been a loyal and attentive friend. You are sorry that she believes otherwise, but you hope that in the future, she will see that you do show up whenever you can.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.