Dear Eric: I have been married to my husband for 16 years and we have a wonderful, blended family. Our kids are now grown (ages 26-35).
My husband’s first wife died of a drug overdose/swimming accident 23 years ago. They were in the process of a divorce at the time.
Her ashes are in a box in our garage.
Many times, over the years, they were going to spread her ashes somewhere, but it never fully happened. Some of the ashes were spread at various locations that she loved.
I don’t want the rest in my house anymore, but I don’t know what to ask for.
I have always been OK with, and supportive of, stories about her being shared, pictures of her in the house, a stocking hung with her name on it at Christmas, etc. But it feels like after 23 years, something should be done with her ashes other than sitting in an old box on a shelf in our garage. It feels disrespectful of me and disrespectful to her memory.
Would it be bad or insensitive to ask my husband to put the ashes in four small urns and give one to each of her four children? None of them own their own home, so they would have to pack this urn and move it with them every time they move.
– Resting Place
Dear Place: The urns are a great idea, and a beautiful way to honor her memory for the children. But I’d pause before making the ask, just to make sure all your intentions line up with your actions.
It’s not especially uncommon for people to struggle when figuring out what to do with a loved one’s ashes. We don’t always have set ceremonies around their dispersal like we do with funerals and burials. Moreover, it sounds like your family has made attempts, but something kept them from finishing this ritual. Maybe it was emotional, maybe it was logistical.
Try, as best you can, to separate the remaining ashes from anyone’s feelings about you. I know this is complicated, too. But the presence of your husband’s former wife’s ashes in your garage is not about you.
If you can start to see this as something that the family – you included – is still working on dealing with, you’ll be in a good position to talk to your husband empathetically about moving the ashes from the box to the urns. And, if he’s receptive, you’ll both want to talk with the kids about whether an urn is something they’d want. Other options include custom rocks or jewelry made from the ashes.
It’s possible no one quite knows what they’re supposed to do, so a family conversation will be illuminating and helpful. But that can only happen if it starts from a place of curiosity rather than annoyance.
Dear Eric: I saw myself in the Asking Eric column from Nov. 5, 2024. “Perplexed Friend” was confused after he reached out to a friend who was in crisis and did not get the response he desired, or any response.
When I was 45, I lost my husband of 18 years to cancer. It was painful and swift. I was paralyzed with grief even though I tried to put on a good face.
Friends and family reached out, sent flowers, gifts, cards and offered to pick up my dry cleaning. I did not respond. I literally could not function.
That was nearly 30 years ago, and I am ashamed of myself. I wish I could go back and fix it. But I can’t. However, those acts of kindness were what sustained me through the awfulness our family was facing.
What I would say to “Perplexed Friend” is this: You reached out to comfort your friend because you care about her, not because you needed a thank-you note. You wanted to help her try to move on. And you did. That’s what your friend is trying to do.
We all handle grief differently – and some of us do better than others.
– Wish I Could Go Back
Dear Wish: Thank you for sharing your story and your support with the letter writer.
If I may: a piece of unsolicited advice. Please try to forgive yourself and let go of the shame you’re feeling over the way you responded 30 years ago.
As you write, we all handle grief differently. And I would amend your last sentence thusly: There is no right way to do it.
You handled the unimaginable in a way that helped you get through each day. I feel confident that those who love you and care for you understood any non-response or have come to understand it through their own grief processes. You don’t have to do it over again; you did what you needed to do, and it was enough.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.