DEAR HARRIETTE: Another view on “Unclear Role,” the woman whose boyfriend does not want her to act in a motherly fashion to his kids.
I agree that more communication to understand why he holds this view is necessary. It is not apparent from the letter if he ever expresses appreciation for his girlfriend’s loving presence in his daughters’ life.
Even so, his stance about the “biological mom” designation is disrespectful to his girlfriend. He is devaluing her involvement and availability with his daughters, which she gives freely from her heart, well beyond what is being asked of her.
This shows emotional immaturity. His girls are part of his life, no matter what. An emotionally mature man would want a partner who also wants to embrace those whom he considers the most precious.
He is trying to compartmentalize or control where love comes from, and it doesn’t seem to be working.
From my experience, a man who does not support or endorse his significant other developing close bonds with his children winds up creating a fractured family.
— Medical Perspective
DEAR MEDICAL PERSPECTIVE: Thank you for sharing your informed opinion on this important topic.
Children are precious. This man should treasure the love that his partner is offering them.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently returned to work after maternity leave, and I’m finding it difficult to focus. All I can think about is my baby, and it’s affecting my productivity and ability to be present at work.
I love my child deeply, but I feel guilty about not being able to fully engage in my job, which has always been important to me. Even when I try to focus on tasks, my mind constantly drifts back to my baby’s needs and well-being. I’m feeling torn between wanting to give my all at work and wanting to be there for every moment with my child.
The guilt of leaving my baby during the day is overwhelming, and it’s causing me to feel distracted and less confident in my abilities.
I don’t want to let my job or my baby down, but I’m not sure how to find a balance. How can I shift my mindset and improve my focus at work without feeling like I’m neglecting my baby or my career?
— Baby Balance
DEAR BABY BALANCE: There is a saying: You can do everything, just not at the same time.
Make a daily to-do list of all of your responsibilities — one column for work, one for your baby. Methodically check off your list throughout the day, doing your best to focus on whatever small, specific task is at hand.
When your mind wanders, remind yourself that you just have to finish whatever is in front of you before you can pivot to something else.
Create the discipline in yourself to complete small tasks with focus. This will help you to get through each day.
Replace feelings of guilt with feelings of success for achieving small victories.
Be sure to include self-care on your to-do list. This will help you to have enough energy to get through each day.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.