DEAR HARRIETTE: I am an active member at my church. I attend regularly and know most of the congregation.
I’m always helping out by giving as much as I can, whenever I can. If I’m being honest, I can be a bit of a yes-man when it comes to church affairs.
One of my known ministries is offering rides to church members who do not have proper transportation. I drive for a living, so the church is happy to have me for field trips, house visits, etc.
Recently, an older woman at the church organized a group of people to visit a sick member who lives about an hour away. She contacted five to seven people, told them a date and time, and they all agreed.
She didn’t ask me about my availability, and I don’t have a ton of spare time to make trips like this. When she finally asked me, I told her I couldn’t because I had plans already.
Now she is calling my wife, our pastor and other church members saying “shame on me” sort of things.
I am always at everyone’s disposal, but I realize that maybe I’ve spoiled them. Should I address this with the church?
— The Driver
DEAR THE DRIVER: Yes. Speak to the pastor first, and share your concern about this woman’s reaction to your unavailability.
Without being defensive, point out your long-term commitment to serve in many ways, including driving — but your schedule must be considered.
Explain that you feel hurt by this woman’s behavior and misunderstood as a result by the church. Ask the pastor to say something on your behalf.
DEAR HARRIETTE: A childhood friend of mine has been in a relationship for more than five years now.
He and his partner live together and share a car, and he covers some of her expenses, etc. They are fully enthralled. But honestly, I get the sense that he was never truly fulfilled by his choice. He always tells their story as if things just sort of happened, not so much that he chose things this way.
Recently, he sent me a message saying, “I always told myself if I were ever single again, I would be open to dating you.”
I felt offended, so I responded: “And I presume I’ve just been rotting away on a shelf somewhere in hopes of ‘if you were ever single again’?”
He seemed both tickled and shocked by my response. We haven’t spoken since.
Why would he imagine that I was lying in wait somewhere? Why does he think his interest is so highly coveted? Am I blowing this out of proportion?
— Making Assumptions
DEAR MAKING ASSUMPTIONS: Your friend’s tone was certainly off-putting and presumptive. It is understandable that you would have been turned off by what he said.
But I have another question: Were you ever interested in him? Could he have detected any longing on your part that he was responding to?
Even if that were true, it doesn’t make his couched revelation OK. That’s weak.
So, beyond your knee-jerk rejection of his comment, take heed. You don’t need to get involved with someone who feels so highly of himself that he speaks through that tone to you.
It’s OK to be offended, but don’t stew in it. Keep living your life.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.