Dear Ismael,
How do you convince a loved one to go to therapy?
My husband has come a long way in his life but has gone through a lot that affects him to this day. Everybody could probably benefit from seeing a therapist, but he doesn’t think he needs it. He says he “already knows what his problems are.”
— Concerned in Belmont-Cragin
Dear Concerned,
The best that can come from learning to live with our problems is we eventually become numb to them. But in no way will that bring us peace.
As someone who grew up with a father who drowned his problems with substance abuse, I can tell you suffering alone is not a private act, especially when you have concerned loved ones. Those demons your husband constantly battles won’t play nice and stay confined just within him. They love to consume people around him, too, whether he means to or not.
If you’re asking your husband to seek help, it’s obvious that seeing him struggle is affecting you. But there’s no need to go into panic mode, and stress and pressure your husband into going to therapy. While getting him support is the end-goal, let’s take a breath and see how you can go about this.
Why people are hesitant about going to therapy
A study conducted by the Mental Health Million Project found 45% of individuals in the United States with clinical mental health risks do not seek help.
The main reason Americans are hesitant, according to the report, was a lack of confidence in the mental health system. Other factors included a lack of knowledge of what kind of help to seek, a preference for self-help, lack of affordability and concerns of being stigmatized for seeking treatment.
These are all problems most of us can relate to. The lack of affordability resonates well in my empty wallet.
Using “healthy guilt”
There are many reasons loved ones may be hesitant about going to therapy.
But there are even more personal, powerful and supportive arguments to help them realize the benefits of therapy go beyond helping themselves — it could help strengthen and nourish their relationships with others.
Yes, I’m talking about an intervention.
But it doesn’t have to be a full production with everyone sitting in a circle with soft lighting and your husband in the center. That serious conversation can be more private and intimate, between two people.
There’s a way to get the message across without listing everything that bothers you about your husband not addressing his problems. I’m sure he feels bad enough about himself already.
Hit him with the “if not for you, do it for us.” A healthy type of guilt used to better oneself for others. Use it to make your husband see how his problems are jeopardizing something beautiful he always wished and hoped for, such as a loving relationship with you.
Include something that genuinely worries you and where you fear his unresolved issues will leave you both. You can say something along the lines of: “I sometimes have to hold myself back about talking about certain subjects so as to not trigger you, and I don’t like it because it puts distance between us.”
If not, there’s the tried and true cliché of: “No harm can come from therapy. Either nothing happens, or you see improvement.”
Your husband knowing what his problems are is a good first step.
A step that leaves him at a crucial crossroads: Are you going to live with those demons or be liberated from them?
Write to Someone in Chicago at someoneinchicago@suntimes.com.