It happened again.
I have obtained an audio recording of another secret meeting of the people who run California behind the scenes. The membership of the group, divulged nowhere else but here, is made up of 10 environmentalists, three teachers, two bond underwriters, eight plaintiffs’ attorneys, six professionally certified lunatics, the CEO of a candle company, 231 union leaders and one California business leader, calling in from his home in Toronto.
The meeting was convened to discuss the latest disaster to befall the state, the loss of the Biden White House.
“I don’t see how we recover from this,” one of the union leaders said. “Trump is probably going to divert our training funds to the Republican women’s groups.”
“We could rent a vendor booth at their luncheons,” one of the attorneys offered.
“What’s going to happen to our schools,” cried a teacher. “Will they have to stay open during bird flu?”
“We have bigger problems,” said another union leader. “Our highly placed sources are telling us that President Trump plans to announce that he is putting California into receivership, to have all its affairs managed by a responsible outside party.”
“A third party?” shouted a teacher. “Who told him Libertarians are responsible?”
“No, no,” said the union leader. “We’re told the appointed receiver will be a banker. Someone the president has seen on TV. Someone who has previously been entrusted with managing high levels of income and spending while keeping corrupt influences at bay.”
Nervous laughter rippled through the room.
“The good news,” said the union leader, “is that we got to the guy. We flew him out here to give us a private briefing before the announcement.”
“How’d you manage that?” asked the business leader.
“He’s a union member,” said the labor leader. “SAG-AFTRA. OK, let’s get him in here.”
The sound of a door creaking open was audible on the recording. So were the gasps that followed.
“Friends,” said the union leader, “may I introduce Mr. Walter Parks Thatcher.”
The room fell silent.
“He’s gray!” whispered a lunatic. “Why is he gray?”
“He’s not gray,” another lunatic whispered back. “He’s in black-and-white.”
“Walter Parks Thatcher,” repeated the candle executive in a quiet voice. “Are you … Are you from…”
“‘Citizen Kane,’” said the union leader. “One of the greatest films ever made. President Trump was watching Turner Classic Movies and he decided that the banker who raised Charles Foster Kane is the perfect choice to take control of California’s decisions.”
“I miss my sled already,” muttered a bond underwriter.
“It’s a great privilege to address this distinguished group today,” Thatcher said, “and I trust you’ll keep what I’m about to tell you in the strictest confidence.”
“Get the non-disclosure agreements,” said another union leader. “Everybody signs, or nobody leaves.”
Chairs scraped the floor as the group settled in for the discussion.
“President Trump has determined that California is unable to make responsible decisions, can’t be trusted with money and is too easily swayed by corrupt influence,” Thatcher said. “He believes the state is deeply troubled.”
“This is an outrage,” said a teacher. “Trump hacked our mental health app!”
“Nothing of the kind,” said Thatcher. “The president has simply decided that an outside party, a receiver, should manage the entire state, its assets, and all financial and operating decisions.”
“This is completely unnecessary,” said one of the lunatics. “We run California very well. Look how we managed the COVID money.”
“And now we have L.A. Rises,” said a union leader.
“I shall take over the state budget,” said Thatcher. “All labor agreements, procurement contracts, outstanding debt and pension commitments will be subject to renegotiation. In addition, I’ll be implementing the president’s executive order directing the release of water from Northern California to Southern California, terminating all energy restrictions and climate programs, and turning the bullet train into a golf course.”
“Can’t we please keep the energy policy?” asked the candle manufacturer.
“About that golf course,” said a union leader. “We expect the carts to be electric, and they have to run on rails.”
“Walking is good for you,” Thatcher said. “I assume that’s why the state is spending gas tax revenue on pedestrian paths instead of road repairs.”
“No, that’s to save the Earth,” an environmentalist said brightly.
“I suppose you’d say the same for the battery storage facility near Monterey that exploded in flames and toxic gases, contaminating the soil and water with heavy metals,” Thatcher said. “And for the renewable energy mandate that compels utilities to invest in costly but inadequate solar and wind power as well as expensive new charging infrastructure for electric vehicles, leaving insufficient funds for maintenance and replacement of basic infrastructure such as power lines, fire hydrants and reservoirs.”
“We’re on top of that last part,” said one of the plaintiffs’ attorneys.
“Quite right, the liability is potentially catastrophic,” Thatcher said. “LADWP’s bond rating is at risk of a downgrade. That would raise borrowing costs and cause even higher rates for Los Angeles residents and businesses. After visiting and speaking with state and local leaders, President Trump became more convinced than ever that California is unable to manage its affairs.”
“He’s one to give advice on managing affairs,” said a union leader. “Which reminds me, did everybody sign the NDA?”
Write Susan@SusanShelley.com and follow her on X @Susan_Shelley