Dear Eric: I took a job in DC at the behest of my close friend, who also invited me to live with her.
She said she was going to retire and move back to her Midwest hometown. She offered to rent her townhouse to me for a really reduced rate while she’s in transition.
Well, not only is she not making any attempts to move, but she also comments on my eating choices and constantly gives me unsolicited advice.
She’s vegan and a diabetic, so she’s very strict with her diet. I mean really strict.
I’m grateful for her help in offering me cheap housing close to my great new job, and I’m hesitant to say anything. But when she gets on the topic of me (a vegetarian) eating string cheese or drinking sports drinks, I feel the steam coming out of my ears. For God’s sake, I’m 61 years old and don’t need her approval or permission to eat what I want.
I’ve pushed back with polite statements shutting her down, or I just walk away, but it’s like she can’t help herself. I’m afraid that I will explode the next time she says something about my food choices.
I don’t want this to ruin our 30-year friendship, but I’ve had it. Any suggestions?
– Eyes on Your Own Plate
Dear Plate: Oof, it can be so hard to realize that close friends don’t always make good housemates. It’s also likely scary, in this case, because you’ve uprooted your life for the promise of inexpensive DC digs (no small promise).
However, you made this move thinking you’d be living solo after a while and that’s a part of the original plan that needs revisiting.
If she’s not making moves to, well, move, then you should if possible.
Take a look at your finances and decide what’s possible for you, real estate-wise. And let her know what your timeline is so she’s not blindsided.
It may feel awkward to say, “I had planned on a solo space eventually and I’m finding that that’s an important need, as much as I enjoy being with you,” but it’s not an unreasonable expectation.
Since she hasn’t responded to the boundary you’re setting with food, I doubt that extended conversation about it will change much. There’s a control she’s exhibiting that has more to do with her own internal monologue than with you.
The best way to keep someone’s eyes off your plate (and preserve your friendship) is to get out of that particular kitchen.
Dear Eric: I love your column and find your responses thought-provoking. Your answer to “Dad’s Wife,” whose estranged stepdaughter wants contact with her now that the stepdaughter has a baby, left out a question or two in my opinion.
Most important to me is whether the husband and wife want to build a relationship with their granddaughter and how her decision impacts that.
We all live with polite fictions sometimes. If the grandchild is important to them, Wife may want to go through the motions and look for the positives (and possibly even changes) in the new mother, while still being a bit wary.
She also didn’t mention her husband and the son-in-law’s awareness and role in the daughter’s behavior. There are five people now involved.
– Reader
Dear Reader: The phrase “we all live with polite fictions” is spot-on and so vivid. And also quite true, for better or worse.
The letter writer felt used and belittled by the stepdaughter, so there’s work to do to keep the peace. But, if grandparenthood is a priority for the letter writer, it may be worth opening up a blank document on the relationship and composing some fiction.
Dear Eric: I’m writing about “Work Disappointment,” who was passed over for a promotion in favor of two coworkers who the letter writer said weren’t as qualified.
I had a similar thing happen to me. While it was scary, I made an appointment with the person who made the choices and very respectfully told her that I sincerely wanted to know what in my performance needed improvement, so I could work on those areas for future opportunities.
I was very proud of myself for having the courage to carry this out. While this administrator did not, in my opinion, have the same courage back to me, she did later recommend me for a promotion that was over the folks promoted earlier. And I accepted that gratefully.
I always tell my staff, “The interview is an inherently flawed process. But it’s the best one we have.”
– Promoted
Dear Promoted: Wonderful advice. The ability to ask for and incorporate constructive feedback is crucial to success at every point in a career. Moreover, a no, while disappointing, can often be an opportunity to learn, reframe or re-evaluate one’s goals.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.