DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my friends recently made a comment while we were hanging out and looking at pictures from earlier this year. Out of nowhere, she pointed to one of the photos and said, “It looks like you’ve gained a few pounds since the first day of the year.”
To be honest, she’s not wrong. This year has been extremely stressful for me in ways that she may not even fully understand. I’ve been juggling a lot and, like many people, when life gets overwhelming, I’ve found it hard to keep up with things like exercise and meal prepping.
My focus has been on surviving, not necessarily thriving, and as a result, I’ve put on a little weight.
What bothers me isn’t the observation itself, but the fact that she felt the need to say something about it. I wasn’t seeking her opinion or advice on my body, and it felt unnecessary and even a bit unkind.
Now I’m struggling with how I should bring it up to her. I think it’s important to stand up for myself and let her know how her words affected me, especially since this isn’t the first time she’s made a remark like this.
What should I tell her?
— Sensitive
DEAR SENSITIVE: Tell your friend that you know you have gained weight this past year. It was a challenging year for you, and you didn’t take care of yourself as you should.
Add that it hurt your feelings when she pointed this out to you. Ask her why she felt the need to mention it. Listen to her answer. She may have genuinely wanted to make sure you have noticed your weight gain but couldn’t figure out what to say.
We live in a culture now that rightfully calls out fat-shaming. I worry, though, that people now feel afraid to point out concerns when they notice them. I think we need space for our loved ones to chime in with a constructive comment now and then, as long as it’s done with sensitivity and kindness.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two months now, and while I really enjoy spending time with him and feel like we have a great connection, there’s one issue that’s becoming hard to ignore: his hygiene.
Specifically, I’ve noticed that he often has strong body odor.
At first, I thought it might just be an occasional thing, like maybe he had a long day at work or forgot to freshen up after the gym. However, as time has gone on, I’ve realized it’s more of a consistent problem.
I have no idea how to bring this up without hurting his feelings. Hygiene can be such a sensitive topic, and I don’t want to embarrass him or make him feel self-conscious. At the same time, I can’t just ignore the issue, because it’s starting to affect how I feel in the relationship.
I’ve tried subtle hints, like mentioning how much I love the scent of certain soaps or deodorants, but it doesn’t seem to be making a difference.
How do I approach this conversation in a way that’s kind and constructive and doesn’t damage his confidence or our relationship?
— Stinky
DEAR STINKY: You just have to tell him directly. Say that you notice that he sometimes has strong body odor and that you need him to take care of it because it bothers you.
Ask him to shower more, use a different soap or find another solution.
A number of people decided during COVID to stop wearing deodorant for health reasons. If he is one of those people, make sure he’s aware that there are safe, natural alternatives and that he needs to start using them.
Be kind but clear. Otherwise, he may never get the message.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.