DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor, with whom I have friendly chats, sent a group text to several women, including me, inviting us all to meet for dinner at a restaurant, followed by a yoga class.
I responded that I would love to come to dinner. When I showed up at the restaurant, she looked at me and said, “What are you doing here?”
I was shocked and didn’t know how to respond and blurted out that she had invited me.
I still feel awkward and don’t know how I should have responded in that moment. Now I just feel uncomfortable around her. What should I have done?
GENTLE READER: Your neighbor’s statement is too hurtful to be excused, so you are going to have to reinvent it out of existence.
Miss Manners is not suggesting you pretend your hearing aid malfunctioned — that might actually elicit a repetition. Instead, treat it as a joke.
Before you object that this is disingenuous, consider how grateful everyone present will be to be given this graceful way out — including your neighbor, though her gratitude may require time. If that process is going to be measured in units larger than minutes or hours, then you might wish to space out your future interactions with her accordingly.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a lifelong nonsmoker and naturally do not permit anyone to light up in my home or in my car. No exceptions. But when I’m a passenger in a vehicle driven by a friend who smokes, they will inevitably light up without asking if it’s OK.
They’ll crack their window and blow the smoke out through the crack. Even so, the wisp of smoke from the still-burning cigarette quickly begins to fill the entire vehicle. It causes me to cough and rub my burning eyes.
The friend will usually notice, sometimes offering a “sorry” and will perhaps extinguish their cigarette a minute sooner.
What is my best option, other than not getting in the car at all with a driver who smokes? Would it be rude for me to politely ask them to refrain from smoking until we reach our destination?
Yes, it’s their vehicle, their rules. But the health of my lungs should also matter.
GENTLE READER: In a more general form, yours is one of the principal etiquette questions of our day. But that question is often, to Miss Manners’ thinking, misstated.
Anyone with a serious medical condition understandably asks, “Whose need is greater?” And, in extreme situations, basic decency demands aiding those in need.
For more everyday situations, the proper question is, “How much can a guest reasonably impose upon a host?” The answer will depend on the closeness of the friendship and the extent, and frequency, of the imposition.
Used wisely, with a friend (not a mere acquaintance), there is an alternative to always declining a ride: You can decline with the explanation that even a little smoke bothers you and you do not want to impose. The driver can then decide whether to issue a second invitation, knowing that doing so is agreeing to more stringent conditions.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.