Dear Eric: I have a widowed friend I’ll call Vivian. Since her husband died a few years ago, my husband and I have invited her to have dinner with us on several occasions.
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Recently, I invited her to join us on a certain Friday. I asked about 10 days in advance, and we then settled on a time and restaurant.
Everything was fine until about three days before our date. I got a text from her saying that her nephew was coming to town, and she might have a family obligation on Friday. She would let me know whether or not she could make “our date.”
I don’t understand. She makes a date with me and then decides it may not work?
My husband said that Vivian values her family over our friendship. Your thoughts?
– Dining Alone
Dear Dining: While I understand the disappointment of canceled plans, I think your read of Vivian is a bit uncharitable.
If her nephew doesn’t live in town, it stands to reason that she doesn’t have as many chances to see him as she does you. I’d hope you’d be happy that your friend gets to maintain family connections.
Your friendship isn’t in competition with Vivian’s family. They are separate relationships, each with its own importance.
But resenting her seeing family members indicates an insecurity that could poison your relationship. So, don’t let it. Right-size your feelings about this, suggest a few dates to reschedule, and wish Vivian well at her family event.
Dear Eric: I am trying to divorce my spouse, but he is using suicidal ideation to get out of the responsibility.
He was disappointed to receive my divorce petition. He contacted a bunch of people via text that day and got taken to the hospital by the police, who did a welfare check. He stayed there for three weeks.
I offered to try mediation, and he enthusiastically pounced on it. When the mediator explained that his process was much cheaper than standing before a judge, my spouse threatened to kill himself if he was ever brought to trial with our unresolved negotiations.
He wants me to accept a settlement that offers me about 15 percent of our shared wealth.
I hate to set a precedent for future divorces where a person can claim they will try to kill themselves if certain conditions are not met in a divorce process. What is the most humane course of action here for the sake of humanity?
– Big Picture
Dear Big Picture: What your spouse is doing is emotional abuse. He is trying to manipulate you and your emotions with threats of suicide.
It’s good that he received some treatment after the welfare check. That treatment needs to be ongoing, but at present it can’t be your responsibility to make sure he gets it. Moreover, for your own safety, it’s best if you rely on professionals or others to help him right now.
It may seem that, should you accept an unfair settlement, all this will clear up. I don’t think that’s true. His behavior is controlling.
If you don’t have an attorney, it’s important that you consult with one and shift all communication with your spouse to the attorney. You don’t need to be in contact right now.
If you are still living in the same place, please reach out to family, friends, and/or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org, 800-799-7233) to help you get to a safe location while this is going on. Your husband’s threats are a danger to himself and to you. Please make use of the resources available to you, both legal and protective, as well as your support network to ensure your safety.
Dear Eric: A, B, and C live in the same senior apartment building. A invites B to go to lunch or a movie or any social gathering. Can B suggest they invite C?
My friend says that is bad manners. I say the opposite. Who is right?
– Social Rules
Dear Social: Some of this depends on context. Inviting a third person to a movie is different from inviting them to, say, your friend’s niece’s baby shower. Asking for permission beforehand is, generally, good form. Moreover, it can bring up the kind of unspoken rules that can result in bruised feelings if broken.
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It sounds like you’re trying to expand your social circle (presuming you’re B). Your friend may feel insecurity or shyness, or she simply may not want to hang out with C. I don’t see the ask as bad manners, but what’s most important is why your friend sees it that way.
Asking a follow-up question like “Is there a time when inviting C would be better for you?” or simply “Can you tell me why you feel that way?” will help you understand each other more clearly.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
If you or someone you know is struggling with feelings of depression or suicidal thoughts, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline offers free, round-the-clock support, information and resources for help. Call or text the lifeline at 988, or see the 988lifeline.org website, where chat is available.