DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, I’ve noticed that my 7-year-old son has been misbehaving, ignoring rules and testing boundaries.
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In the heat of the moment, I sometimes find myself resorting to physical consequences, such as a light smack on the bottom, believing it will teach him right from wrong. However, I worry that this approach may lead to more harm than good, as it could foster fear rather than understanding.
Do you think I can continue with this kind of approach to my child, or should I stop?
— Painful Lessons
DEAR PAINFUL LESSONS: When I was growing up, spanking was part of the family routine.
My mother had a gold lame slipper that she would take off her foot and use to whack us across the butt when we had transgressed. The scene was far more dramatic than the physical pain, but I still remember!
I used a pinch as a form of physical discipline for my daughter until one day at about age 5 she showed me that she was pinching herself to discipline herself. I felt so guilty!
My relationship to physical punishment has evolved over the years. I do not think that it is helpful other than the fact that it startles children into awareness of the severity of the moment. Inflicting any type of violence on another person cannot be the best choice.
I recommend talking with children, explaining the consequences of their actions, taking away privileges and teaching values. This may take longer, but ultimately it is likely to yield more mindful adults.
This form of discipline takes tremendous effort on the part of parents, but that is what parenting is all about, right? In my research, I discovered some basic things that can be helpful. They include parents adopting a positive tone of voice when communicating with children rather than shouting or scolding, showing children how to approach challenging situations by modeling their own behavior and demonstrating how to manage conflicts while keeping your cool.
For more ideas on how to raise a nonviolent child, visit this fact sheet from the University of Delaware.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Your column [about your mother] was the most uplifting thing I’ve read in the paper in a long time! Thanks for sharing your mom with us, and the lessons she lives and teaches. God bless her!
— Happy Reader
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Harriette Cole: I think my friend should go to the police, but she says she’s scared
DEAR HAPPY READER: Thank you for your acknowledgment. My family and I could not be more grateful.
We were able to celebrate 95 years of life with my mother, our family and four of her friends who range in age from 94 to 100. It was beautiful to witness the love and support they have for each other. Who knows what the future holds for any of us, but to be in the presence of so much joy and unconditional love was a blessing beyond compare!
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.