Dear Eric: I sing as a volunteer in a church choir. Because I can sight-sing, was trained as a musician, and can sing alto, the music director likes it when I come.
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For me, singing is “work,” not “fun,” but the music director is very nice, and the choir members are very warm and kind people.
What I don’t enjoy is that one of the newer members wears very strong cologne, and I am allergic to it.
If I forget to take an allergy pill before church, I cough during the entire service and sing about one quarter of the notes. If I remember the allergy pill, I don’t cough but can only sing about half the notes because her cologne still affects my breathing in a bad way.
If she (the cologne wearer) was a friend, I could go up to her and say, “Lay off the scent, it’s making me sick.” But she is an acquaintance, and I don’t know her well enough to be so blunt. Also, she is from another country and culture and, as an immigrant, is deserving of our respect and acceptance.
The choir director put out a general email asking people to not use cologne since others are allergic or sensitive. No result.
If it was up to me, I would simply stop attending church and spend my Sunday mornings watching the talking heads on TV, which is my idea of a perfect Sunday morning. But that’s the lazy hedonist’s way out.
Any suggestions on a tactful and non-confrontational way to tell her to not wear cologne?
– Sunday Sniffles
Dear Sunday: If her cologne’s notes of sandalwood and bergamot are obstructing your high notes, it’s a whole choir problem. So, you should kick it back up the org chart (up the octave?).
Tell the music director that, for health and performance reasons, you’ll be unable to continue volunteering if the strong scents aren’t addressed. The director surely values your presence and should be able to find a harmonious balance here.
Coming from you, a direct request that the other choir member not wear her cologne could pull you into interpersonal drama. Whereas the music director is able to talk to her one-on-one and frame it as something the group needs for the success of all involved.
If the director can’t or won’t, there’s no need to torture yourself for work. Stay home and enjoy your talking heads.
Dear Eric: After some years of being out of touch, I reconnected with a once-close cousin. When she recently visited my area, I met up with her and her granddaughter, “Mia.”
My cousin told me of the financial hardships this sweet teenager deals with. My friend is financing most of the extracurricular activities and clothes for Mia.
About a month later, I received a text message from Mia, asking if I could please buy a pair of sneakers for her upcoming soccer camp.
Surprised, I contacted my cousin about her request. My cousin “reminded me” I had offered to help Mia. Well, I didn’t mean financially! But because she really is a sweet kid, I offered to help get the sneakers.
Unfortunately, Mia wanted outrageously overpriced sneakers I wouldn’t buy for my own granddaughter. When I relayed that to my cousin, she said, “Well, Mia is very picky and wants what she wants.”
Not too happy with that response, I asked Mia to choose a pair within a specific price range. She apologized and sent other options within that range. After she received them, Mia sent numerous thank-you texts, then invited me to join her and my cousin “down the shore” on a 10-day vacation they had planned. I didn’t respond, since the invite didn’t come from my cousin.
I am angry and feel I was backed into a corner by my cousin having Mia ask for help, and I haven’t heard from her at all.
Should I let my cousin know how I feel or simply cut ties completely?
– Feeling Used
Dear Feeling Used: Though your cousin put Mia in an awkward, even inappropriate, position, the teen did a good job responding to your boundaries, expressing gratitude for your generosity, and taking a step to continue to build a relationship that’s not transactional.
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Indeed, this teen did everything your cousin should have done.
Now, the cousin may be coaching her through this, but the first step should have been your cousin reaching out to clarify the parameters of the help you offered. Not doing so put you and Mia in a tight spot.
Let your cousin know how you feel. There’s no use stewing in silence. And consider replying to Mia’s text, even if it’s a “thanks but no thanks.” You two have been good about communication thus far, despite your cousin dropping the ball.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.