DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our neighbors recently went on vacation and asked our young children (7 years old and 3 years old) to take care of their goldfish.
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We were happy to do so, and our children enjoyed the experience.
Upon their return, they gave us two goldfish as a thank-you. This was not discussed with us prior.
Obviously, not having a heart of ice, I was not able to refuse the gift after seeing the joy in my children’s faces.
Our neighbors delivered the fish in a small bowl and informed us we could return the bowl in a week. So I had to go out and spend a small fortune for the aquarium, filters, rocks, food, etc. that goldfish require. (Mind you, the fish themselves only cost about 50 cents each.)
During all this, I was keenly aware that it would become my responsibility to maintain the fishes’ habitat and sanitary living space, which is annoying to me as a busy, working parent of two small children.
Long story short, within about a week, the fish were dead. My children, bless their hearts, overfed them.
I resent having spent all that money and time on a “gift” that was really more of an anvil around my ankle. Is there any way to let my neighbors know that their gift wasn’t thoughtful at all?
GENTLE READER: No. But their demise will make the message fairly clear.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are there polite ways to refuse to participate in a video chat when someone tries to pass a cellphone to you?
My brother-in-law and his wife are extremely involved in their toddler grandchildren’s lives and rarely go more than a few hours without contacting them. When we are out with the adults, one of them inevitably whips out a phone and begins videoconferencing the grandkids.
I don’t mind — until they try to force the phone on me. I have no interest in talking with these children, and they have no interest in talking with me.
Furthermore, I believe the grandparents only do this because they can tell that the children are withdrawing from the conversation, and they’re hoping that if they redirect them to Weird Great-Aunt Didi for a few minutes, the kids will then be ready to talk to them again.
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Early on, my husband successfully discouraged them from shoving the phone at him by taking it and saying, “Hey, kid, we’ll talk when you’re old enough to carry on an intelligent conversation” before handing the phone back. But I’m hoping Miss Manners might suggest a kinder refusal.
GENTLE READER: “We do not want to keep you from your grandparents. So Weird Great-Aunt Didi is going to finish her dinner, but we hope to see you in person soon.”
Miss Manners suggests you not add, “… when you are at an age that is more interesting to us.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.