In the ancient reality known as Pax Romana, the power would send an envoy bearing an olive branch as a gesture of peace, a sign that war is no longer wanted.
In the modern reality known as “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” an olive branch – a literal olive branch – was sent this week by Alexis Bellino to Shannon Storms Beador, who rejected that symbol of peace.
Of course, this all happens with all the housewives, except Alexis, gathered round a table for formal tea. It’s Shannon’s 60th birthday and she’s feeling all right at last.
As Virgil recapped the Trojan War – which coincidentally had an episode where Aeneas delivered an olive branch to Evander – let us briefly recap the War between Shannon and Alexis, in which Shannon’s ex-boyfriend John Janssen is now Alexis’s boyfriend Johnny J. Which, if we’re not mistaken in this retelling, would make John the Helen of Troy of this season.
Anyhoo, Shannon is smiling again, and able to laugh about being single at 60.
“I’m 60 and alone,” she says as she waits for the others to arrive at the teahouse. “I’m a spinster!”
Heather Dubrow and Tamra Judge briefly threaten to hijack the soiree with their own drama – Heather by demanding that Emily Simpson talk about their recent fashion show issues, Tamra by apologizing to Jenn Pedranti for the previous week’s temper tantrum thrown at Jenn’s boyfriend Ryan Boyajian.
But those storm clouds pass swiftly, and after all the others are seated, Shannon makes her big entrance, wearing a tiny hat like usual, and a black dress which she quickly tears open to reveal a sequined dress in the red, white and blue of the Union Jack. Because why just tell the others you’re inviting them on a trip to England when you do it with pizzaz?
Everyone screams, because of course they do, and the birthday tea continues.
Emily brought a framed photograph of Shannon looking seductive in black silk pajamas, a shot taken when Shannon accompanied Emily to a boudoir photo shoot for her husband Shane’s gift. A quick discussion around the table concludes that Shannon looks like a madam, which everyone gets except Gina.
“Shannon looks like a madam,” Gina Kirschenheiter says, or asks, the camera later. “That’s prostitution, we’re talking about, right?”
A producer off camera confirms that yes, madam, used in that context, refers to prostitution.
“I think she would be a phenomenal madam,” Gina replies. “I think she would have the most fun henhouse.”
(Be right back, just going to register a copyright on a spinoff titled “The Funnest Little Henhouse in Orange County.”)
OK, where were we? Oh yes, everyone’s going to England, and blimey, they are excited.
“We’re going to have a little tea and maybe some spotted dick,” Tamra says, because of course Tamra is going to make the name for British steamed pudding sound as dirty as she can.
“I love Princess Kate,” Gina says in her best Long Island and worst Cockney accent. “And I love Harry Potter and Hermione. And I love … nope, that’s what I love about London.”
After Heather gives Shannon a pair of Hermes sandals a large bouquet of flowers arrives. There’s a kind of hush all over the tea table as Shannon slowly opens the note and reads.
“Happy 60th birthday, Shannon,” the card from Alexis begins. “I genuinely hope this olive branch can bring us a fresh start as you begin a new decade. May God bless you with happiness and good health on your milestone.”
New decade, milestone – could that sound any more passive-aggressive?
It doesn’t matter, though, because Shannon reveals that she has already pre-written a text to Alexis telling her she is most certainly not invited to go to Europe with the others.
“Hello Alexis, it’s Shannon Beador,” the text begins, raising the question of whether Shannon is concerned Alexis has so many Shannons in her life she won’t know who this one is. “I am hosting a trip to Europe with my friends” – can’t you just picture Alexis getting excited at the thought the olive branch worked? – “and I just wanted to make it clear that you are not invited.”
Ouch.
Jenn and Katie Ginella, who get along best with Alexis, perhaps decide to pop round to Alexis’s place and break the news more gently. Then, inexplicably, they suggest Alexis just check her texts, and sure enough, there it is.
“Why?” Alexis shouts. “I’m extending an olive branch” – literally, an olive branch! – “and I’m still getting (dumped) on.
“You know what?” she continues. “I’ve tried it all, girls, but now I’m finally over it.”
And with that, she points to the door and more or less orders her friends out of her house.
“I’ve never been kicked out of anywhere,” Jenn says later. “Wait, I did get evicted.”
Elsewhere this episode:
— John Janssen speaks! For the first time this season, Johnny J appears on camera, sitting next to Alexis. He does not look happy to be there as he explains why he filed the lawsuit, even though Shannon had offered to pay him back the money he alleged was a loan.
“My hands were tied,” he says.
— The episode opened with the dinner party at Katie’s house from the previous week still wrapping up. It’s too complicated to go into it all over again – you can read all about that here – but we do hear Ryan refer to his close friend Matt having some trouble with the law,.
Related links
Real Housewives of Orange County: Dinner, drinks, drama!
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Real Housewives of Orange County: Tears, tumult and toots
Real Housewives of Orange County: A stormy night of murder!
Real Housewives of Orange County: Heartbroken, but not housebroken